My Vipassana experience - 2024
Vipassana is a 10 day meditation course where you are not supposed to talk to each other, no phones or books allowed. The idea is for you to focus on yourself and learn this meditation technique. I had no idea beyond this before I registered. A good number of my friends had done it and recommended it. Being a curious person, I wanted to explore this.
Vipassana meditation is organized by Dhamma.org group with courses running at various centres. Some research online showed that there is something called Executive course where you get a private room instead of sharing beds in a dorm. Only a selected few centres offer this executive course, one of them was the Kathmandu one, so I signed up for it.
Before Day Zero
My course was from Aug 15 to 24. I flew to Kathmandu 4 days before, over the weekend to do some sight seeing and work from Kathmandu for a couple of days. There is no direct flight from BLR and it takes a whole day to travel. I later realized that Kathmandu has legalized casinos and there are a few. So, before my Vipassana meditation, I spent days in either working (two days) or sightseeing Kathmandu (one day) and nights at casino (limited loss, Day 2 night, I recovered most of my money). So, I reached the centre in a very sleep deprived state.
Day Zero
Having slept only 4 hrs in the night, I got ready and called the cab guy. (The cab company owner was also taking this retreat, same batch as mine. So, he understood my requirements to come and pick me up and why I will not be calling him to remind of pickup) . I spent the morning in some more sight seeing and reached the centre by noon. After the formalities, I had to surrender my phone, laptop, books and everything that could distract me. I was taken to my room, given some snacks at around 4 pm and then I slept. There was an introduction session at 7 pm and then it started.
On day zero, you also take five committments that for the period of this course, you will not kill, no lies, no sexual activity, no speaking (or communicating) etc. No kill was interesting because it applies to animals too and the centre was at the verge of a forest with lot of insects/spiders roaming in your room. This Guardian article nicely explains some of my feelings there but it is good that I am not archanophbic
Day 1 to Day 3
The first part of meditation course was to focus on your breath. Train your mind to concentrate on your breath. It is not easy as it sounds since the mind wanders off. Within seconds. Less than 5 seconds. On day 1, that is what happened to me. I had never done any kind of meditation before beyond the Zendo retreats. So, I was aware of this phenomenon. The goal of first three days is to increase the time so that atleast you can concentrate on your breath for a full minute without the mind wandering away.
On day 1 with no phones, no distractions, I definitely found peace. But more than that, my body complained of exhaustion. It needed sleep, it needed rest. So, a lot of my meditation hrs were spent in sleeping.
At 1pm, you can have a 1:1 setting with your teacher and ask questions or your doubts. On day 1, I told him that I feel very sleepy and he said that you may be fatigued. Give it some time.
The course schedule was also daunting. It had 10 hrs of meditation per day and a ~2 hr long discourse from SN Goenka (founder of the dhamma group). This discourse shared the theory behind the practice and also clarified some common questions that many folks had in their minds. The day started with a 4am gong to wake up. First meditation is from 430 am to 630 am (2 hrs). Then breakfast is served at 6:30 with a break till 8 am. There is a group sitting from 8am to 9am, followed by a 5 min break and then a medidation session from 9am to 11am. Group sittings happen in a common hall. Lunch is served at 11 and then there is a break till 1pm. From 1pm to 5 pm, there is back to back meditation sessions - 1 to 2:30 pm, followed by 2:30 pm to 3:30 pm group sitting and then another one from 330 to 5pm. There is a break from 5 to 6pm for tea and fruits. 6pm to 7pm is the third group sitting of the day and then there is the discourse to close the day. A total of 10 hrs of meditation and 2 hrs of discourse. 12 hrs of sitting without a backrest
On day 3, I went to my teacher sharing that my back is killing me and can I get backrest support. He politely declined and shared that by the time you get to day 6 or 7, it will go away. On day 3, day 6 was an eternity away.
Day 4 to day 6
On day 4, we were introduced to the technique of Vipassana. It is a new form of meditation, I had never heard about it before (thanks to my no research policy). The evening discourse covered the theory and common FAQs around this new technique. On day 5 and day 6, we were asked to focus on this technique and practice it. The evening discourses covered various aspects around this technique and how it is different from other practices.
The core aspect of Vipassana is that you can work on yourself, both body and mind, to train them so that you are equanimous. When our Indriyan (ear, nose, skin, mind and tongue) consume some signal (food, smell, touch etc), they send this signal to the brain and then interprets this signal. As part of this interpretation, it generates sensation on the body. For example, if you read something and you become angry, some part of you body will become hot, that is there will be heat sensation on your body. The brain has both conscious and subconscious aspects, these sensations on your body as part of the reaction to signal happen instinctively, done by the subconscious mind. Interestingly, the reaction from your mind broadly can be classified into two parts - either it is a craving of something (in hindi - raag) or an aversion to something (dwesh). Both these cravings or aversions then lead to misery or suffering.
What Gautam Buddha discovered, as part of his search of enlightenment is that you can train your mind to do two things - First, to identify the sensations being generated on your body - some sensations would be gross (like a pain or an itch) and some would be subtle (like skin reacting to air or cloth). You need to meditate here, that is focus on each body part at a time to identify what kind of sensation you are feeling. Second is that once you have identified the sensation, you train your mind to ignore it, that is be equanimous towards it - be it a good sensation or a bad one. The underlying principle here is the principle of impermanence - everything dies. These sensations are also temporary and they will go away in sometime. By training your mind to be equanimous, while you acknowledge the sensation, you are not reacting to it.
It is the reaction to these sensations that causes cravings or aversions. When you feel angry, lets say you are stuck in traffic or you read something and feel angry, the angry reaction (which is a form of aversion) is not coming because you are stuck in traffic or you read something. What you read is a signal, that the brain intercepts and instinctively generate these sensations. You react to these sensations and this reaction created anger in you. So, your emotions or suffering is largely coming because your mind is reacting to these subtle or gross sensations. Gautam Buddha figured out that if you train your mind to ignore these reactions, you can be equanimous.
The impermanence principle is key - just like a candle flame, even though it is a continuous flame, underneath, there is the wax that is used to create this flame. Every second, some wax is getting burnt that leads to the flame. Same applies to a light bulb which is consuming some electricity everytime to create that illusion of continuous light. Similarly, in body, even a sensation if pain is basically, some atoms or wavelengths generating a sensation of pain, then dying only to be replaced by a new wavelength carrying the same sensation of pain. So, every sensation dies in the end. If you train your mind that this sensation will die soon, and train it to not react to it, that is be equanimous towards it, you will find peace. That is how you end your suffering.
The teaching come from Gautam Buddha who discovered this 2500 years ago and it has been passed won via Guru-shishya tradition. It got lost in India some 2000 years ago but some small group in Burma kept this going. SN Goenka was in Burma and he stumbled on it, found its value and got it back to India.
I was able to feel the gross sensations and sometimes the subtle ones too. I was able to ignore them and I did observe that they went away. My back pain also got resolved in this period. Day 4 to day 6 was the period to try this new thing and see what it is.
One of things that they ask you from day 5 onwards is 'athishtaan', that is when you sit for group sitting, you make the strong determination that whatever happens, you will not move your legs, arms or open your eyes. For the three group sitting that happen in a day, one is supposed to meditate without moving any part. I found it incredibly difficult and max that I lasted was about 48 mins.
Day 7 to day 9.
I was doing quite well till day 6. But from day 7, I started feeling homesick. The technique was also becoming difficult and while my backpain resolved, my pain in legs was still there. It was not the feeling of talking or the need of phones that was there but just the idea to leave this place and go back to the comfort of home and family. Day 7 to day 9 were very difficult.
On Day 7, we were introduced to this concept of Shunya-ghar - Zero-house. It is a small 3 ft by 6 ft room, where you can sit and meditate. The idea is that for your non-group sittings, you go to this place and then meditate there - by yourself in silence. I liked this since here I could stretch my legs atleast and I had back-rest too :)
However, this longing for home, which is a craving and hence the exact thing that we were asked to not generate, was strong. From a technique point of view, we were taught of some optimizations to the core technique. While I had made some progress on the core technique, I was still far away from where they expected me to be and these optimizations were next level.
I also met with my teacher everyday during this period to ask if I am doing things correctly or not. His responses were helpful but many answers lie within myself. It was becoming clear that I needed a lot of work on myself to see the gains here. My homesickness was not helping but it has been 10 days away from home and I wanted to go back.
Somehow, I survived day 7 to day 9. The weather here was extremely rainy. On day 7, it rained for 36 hrs straight. My room was next to a waterfall/stream running down a hill and it had the nice sound of water flowing. The view from my room was this giant mountain covered with dark green dense trees. When rains came, it became very beautiful. I spent a lot of time just watching this scenery. It gave me a lot of peace.
From day 2 onwards, I also dropped the 5 pm fruit thing and instead used the 5-6pm hr for working out. Being on a hill, the space had about 6 storeys worth of stairs and walking path. I used to go up and down for about 40 mins each day and that also helped me. It also made my intermittent fasting for 19 hrs - having sone Kannur, this was easy.
Day 10 and Day 11
Day 10 is when you break the noble silence and can interact with your peers. You are expected to meditate only for three hrs. It is a day to get you accustomed to real life before you leave the centre. Otherwise, it would be a big shock of transition. While you can talk, phone or laptops are still not given.
While talking to peers, we realized that there was only one more person from India there. Everyone else was from Nepal. There was also a book exhibition, a documentary on Vipassana courses in Tihar and some other things to keep us busy. It was also raining the whole time.
By day 10, all I could think was to get back. I was counting hrs. At the start, I had made the determination that I will not quit this course no matter what happens. I was happy on day 10 to have survived it and now only it was a matter of time that I would be back.
On day 11, there is discourse at 430 am for a couple of hrs before it ends. In this, they share to practice what you have learnt everyday - an hr in the morning and an hr in the evening. It is a very tall ask and if I can do 30 mins each day, I would be very happy.
With all the challenges of the program, I found the experience to be very rewarding and grateful that I have done it. I definitely feel that I am not ready to incorporate this in my daily life but when I get ready, I know that it will be this technique and this way. It is the only way that I have learnt that does not mix with any religion or any other influences. It asks you to work on yourself, just shows the way on how to do so. I liked this aspect.
On day 11, after the morning discourse, I collected my phone, laptop etc and rushed to the airport for my way back.
